In the early weeks and months after I had my son, I truly felt like a pansy and a failure. Other mothers were out at water parks when their baby was 2 weeks old. When my son was 2 weeks old, I was... sleep deprived, losing my hair, bleeding, hurting from my c-section, struggling to establish breastfeeding, and dealing with the effects of my adjusting hormones (baby blues)... basically, I was quickly turning into a maniac. Even when my son was 8 weeks old, I was still a sleep deprived maniac.
While I was pregnant, I would fantasize about holding my sweet, peaceful baby. I would fantasize about him gazing at me lovingly. About watching him sleep peacefully. But my experience was nothing like my expectations. My baby was fussy- all. the. time. He was only happy if he was nursing. I felt like there must be something wrong with my milk, maybe I didn't have enough milk. Maybe my son wasn't latching right. Maybe it was too hot or too cold. Maybe his tummy was upset. Maybe he had an allergy. All these "maybe's" kept running through my head constantly. I could only conclude that "maybe" my son just hated me and I was a failure as a mom.
I would get so jealous of other new parents whose babies were content, happy, peaceful. I quit wanting to be around them with my fussy, never satisfied baby. I'm sure it was unintentional, but these new parents often even made me feel like I must be doing something wrong because they couldn't understand or relate to my situation.
My baby also did not (and still doesn't) sleep well. I barely got by with 3 or less hours of sleep every night for the first 2 months of my son's life. I survived on less than 5 hours of sleep (interrupted of course) every night for months 3-6. At around 6 months, I finally started getting about 6-7 hours of very interrupted sleep a night. I have been so envious of other new moms who say that their babies sleep anywhere from 6 to 12 hours straight at night. One time when my baby was around 8 weeks old, he went 18 hours without sleeping. I almost lost my mind.
I tried everything (at the appropriate ages for each thing). We experimented with different temperatures. We changed his diaper. We changed his clothes. We tried different sleeping positions. We gave him Tylenol. We nursed laying down. We tried swings, bassists, cradles. We tried teething tablets/gels. We used white noise. We played sleep music. We tried massage. We tried swaddling. We tried EVERYTHING. He simply wanted to nurse all the time. And he couldn't fall asleep or stay asleep if I quit nursing him. His startle reflex was super strong and that made it even more difficult.
So after time and not being so hard on myself, I know within my heart that I tried everything I knew. I was not a bad mom. My son needed a little extra comfort and attention than most babies. Having said that, through trial and error, we did gradually discover different things that helped our baby sleep better. He is 8 months old now and we have a pretty good routine and way of doing things that seems to help him sleep well. But I've also learned to just be patient and give my son what he needs, and sometimes I can't do anything but comfort him and try to keep myself together. My son is a red-head with a lot of attitude. He is also going through growth spurts and teething. He has been growing like crazy lately. And he has been cutting one tooth after another since he was 4 months old. He is working on his 6th tooth right now. Nowadays, he really isn't fussy unless he gets tired. He's actually a pretty happy and silly baby, though head strong (I blame the red hair). But nights are still a struggle. I just tell myself it's constantly getting better and one day, believe it or not, he really will start sleeping through the night and these troublesome months will be a faint memory.
I had a handful of people suggest that I might have postpartum depression during the first 6 months of my son's life. I even considered it as a possibility myself. But truly, I wasn't depressed, just absolutely exhausted and overwhelmed. The few nights that I was able to sleep decently and the days that my son was pleasant, I felt almost like myself again.
I don't know why some babies are more ill-tempered and harder to please than others. I don't know why some babies sleep so well and others don't. I don't know why some babies need more comfort or have a stronger need to suck than others. But to any mothers that are going through colic or will go through it, it's not your fault and you're not a bad mom... and this, too, will pass. Do all you can do and don't be hard on yourself for something out of your control. Just hang on and as your baby gets older, it will get better. Every month, or maybe every other month, you'll be able to say it's a little bit easier than it used to be. I would recommend a book called The Wonder Weeks. It helps you to understand and help your baby through all the common fussy periods between birth and toddlerhood. It has helped me to be more understanding, compassionate, and patient with my son during his especially cranky times.
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