My stepmother and I went shopping today and it took a little longer than we anticipated. We went to the Dollar Tree, Target, and grabbed some Chil-fil-a before heading home.
Of course, Nicholas' body doesn't work on a clock, not on one that can be predicted or dictated by anyone else. He follows his body's own natural clock, that typically tells him it's time to eat, sleep, and poop when it is least convenient for everyone else. So needless to say, Nicholas got ruthlessly hungry while we were in Target. He was fussing. We weren't ready to leave yet. I went to the least busy aisle in the back of the store, which just so happened to be the bath towel aisle, and... I fed him. I was wearing yoga pants that have the extra fabric on the top that folds over (wonderful pants for nursing mamas!). I lifted the top of the pants over my belly, lifted my shirt, latched my son, and covered up with my jacket- and looked at bath towels for a while.
Why is this significant? Well, for one, I didn't care. And for two, neither did anyone else. With time, I'm caring less and less about where I breastfeed. Nursing mothers aren't the ones with a problem, people who have a problem with nursing mothers have the problem. But for a long time, I felt weird feeding my son in public because I assumed other people would care. However, the more I breastfeed in public, the more I realize that nobody actually cares. If anything, some people stare thinking they might sneak a peek! Or women look on admirably. But I have yet to experience anyone showing disgust or disapproval.
Luckily, only one person actually walked down that aisle. She just walked on by tending to her own shopping. But other people walked along the ends of the aisle. I avoided eye contact, but I did catch a glance at an Hispanic family that stopped for a moment. The mother looked at my baby covered with my jacket, then smiled at me. I smiled back. I felt understood. I felt normal. Her kids were playing, but saw me too. They seemed to know what I was doing, but they didn't seem phased. I love moments like that.
I remember many years ago when Kim Kardashian mentioned a nursing mother in a "tweet". I don't use Twitter- I wouldn't "follow" her even if I did-, but it was in the news that she made a comment that a woman was nursing her baby in a restaurant and that she thought it was disgusting. I thought of that tweet the first time I nursed in a restaurant. And that tweet is actually the reason I hesitated at first. I wonder if she still feels that way now that she's a mother. I feel like so many people just don't "get" it. In America especially, breasts are seen as just sex symbols. They are provocative. They aren't respected for their first and foremost purpose- feeding babies. It's almost taboo for a woman to feed her baby in public to some people.
That is the reason I was so insecure about nursing my son in public at first. I remembered Kim Kardashian's comment. I thought of people like that who might judge me or make a face at me or even say something to me. I'm sure I will be confronted by a "hater" before my nursing days are over. And yes, it will find its place in my blog. But I have actually been pleasantly surprised that, so far, I haven't come across anyone like that.
Friday, December 26, 2014
Enlightenment
Brad and I moved to Elliston, an hour and a half away from Martinsville, 8 days after Nicholas was born. I don't really know anyone there. We live out in the country. Brad is gone anywhere from 12-16 hours at a time. He is on call and works all hours of the day and night. I never know when he'll be leaving or coming home. Sometimes he even has to lay over and doesn't make it home. That is very difficult. It's very hard on me to tend to a baby by myself all the time. And it's been taking a much bigger toll than I even realized.
In my previous posts, I sound so negative and hung up on the difficult first few weeks after Nicholas was born. I am so hard on myself. I even sound a little depressed. I guess I kind of have been. And I noticed my overly-defensiveness, maybe even a little obsessiveness, about my parenting.
This Christmas, Nicholas and I came to North Carolina to stay with my family. Brad came down for 3 days for Christmas. Me and Nicholas have been here for 5 days. It has been AMAZING. I have had people to help me with Nicholas. I have been able to socialize. I haven't been alone all the time. I have finally been able to feel normal again. It has been so enlightening.
My family holds Nicholas and it's not a problem for me. For so long, I have held Nicholas and tended to him by myself, so when we would go out, I couldn't let other people hold Nicholas because I wasn't used to it. It was uncomfortable for me because I'm used to handling him all the time. I felt like I "needed" to hold him and he "needed" me to hold him. He is starting to not mind being held by other people and it's nice for me to have that break every now and then. I don't have as hard of a time with it, especially seeing him happy and content about it.
And I have been so defensive about my parenting, but it really just reflects my feelings of insecurity and inadequacy as a mother. I feel insufficient as a mother so I automatically assume everyone else thinks I am too. But other people have different ways of doing things and of course they're going to think their way is the best way and tell me I should do it their way. We all tend to be that way. But it's not as big of a deal as I always imagined it was. I am gaining confidence as a mother every day and I don't really need anyone else's validation. I know I love my son. I do what I truly know to be best for him. And even if I do make a mistake or learn a better way to do something, that's how parenting is.
And I seem so obsessed about parenting because it's all I ever do. I sit at home with my son 24/7. I don't have a lot of friends or family. Actually, where we live, I have one friend and no family. In the 3 months that we've been living in Elliston, we've gone out to eat once and hung out with friends three times, which includes the time we went out to eat. And all three times have been with the same friends, new parents like us.
When I'm sitting at home by myself with nothing to do but tend to the baby and no one around but the baby, it's easy for me to think too much. I would get so down about how hard of a time I had when Nicholas was born. It seemed so horrible because I had no one else to relate to or talk to about it. I thought all other mothers joined parenthood more gracefully and it came more natural to them- kind of how I thought it would happen for me. But I understand now that my experience was completely normal. I felt bad because I didn't absolutely LOVE being a mom like I always expected, and I didn't bond with my son right away. But I have talked to many women, and it is not only common, but normal. I loved my son as soon as I saw him. Well, I started falling in love with him while he was even still in my belly. But I can't honestly say that I loved being a mom at first. Let's face it, who enjoys waking up every 1-3 hours, learning how to successfully breastfeed, or listen to a baby cry and not having learned yet what his cries mean? Having a newborn is tough for everyone. Every mother is tired, overwhelmed, and a wreck. It just gets better with time. And bonding doesn't happen right away. You're just meeting your baby for the first time. Sure, it's love at first sight. But love is just the seed of bonding. Bonding happens over time, a matter of weeks and months and years. So, my expectations were wrong, not my experience. I had a c-section, which I hadn't prepared myself for, and being a mom to a newborn hit me like a ton of bricks, because I wasn't prepared for what that would be like either. I guess nothing can really prepare you for it unless you've tended to a newborn around the clock before. Thanks to the women who have reached out to me and helped me to realize my experience was normal and to not continue letting it bring me down. I love being a mom more and more every day.
While I was pregnant, all I ever heard was: "you're going to love being a mom!", "you're going to be such a good mom!", "I am so excited for you!". Now I kind of wish someone had said "you are going to be so sleep deprived, you will be delirious", "you may experience baby blues- it's normal and okay", "life is going to suck, but then it gets better". But then even if women had told me all this, I probably wouldn't have listened or believed them anyway. Or I would have listened and believed and been terrified, which probably would have made it even harder because I would have felt even more unsure and scared before I even got started! Also, once you get through the first few months, life is different. And I think experienced mothers know that. They know that life is trying for a few months, but then things get better. You get more sleep, your child develops more personality and becomes more independent. So they don't dwell on the hard times because it's just a blip on the radar for them. That's why women continue having children even though bringing them into the world is hard at first. They know first-hand how very worth it it is and how insignificant those sleepless nights and endless crying truly are in the grand scheme of things.
So moral of the story: my experience was normal, I need to let it go and just focus on being a mom, and... I need to get out more.
In my previous posts, I sound so negative and hung up on the difficult first few weeks after Nicholas was born. I am so hard on myself. I even sound a little depressed. I guess I kind of have been. And I noticed my overly-defensiveness, maybe even a little obsessiveness, about my parenting.
This Christmas, Nicholas and I came to North Carolina to stay with my family. Brad came down for 3 days for Christmas. Me and Nicholas have been here for 5 days. It has been AMAZING. I have had people to help me with Nicholas. I have been able to socialize. I haven't been alone all the time. I have finally been able to feel normal again. It has been so enlightening.
My family holds Nicholas and it's not a problem for me. For so long, I have held Nicholas and tended to him by myself, so when we would go out, I couldn't let other people hold Nicholas because I wasn't used to it. It was uncomfortable for me because I'm used to handling him all the time. I felt like I "needed" to hold him and he "needed" me to hold him. He is starting to not mind being held by other people and it's nice for me to have that break every now and then. I don't have as hard of a time with it, especially seeing him happy and content about it.
And I have been so defensive about my parenting, but it really just reflects my feelings of insecurity and inadequacy as a mother. I feel insufficient as a mother so I automatically assume everyone else thinks I am too. But other people have different ways of doing things and of course they're going to think their way is the best way and tell me I should do it their way. We all tend to be that way. But it's not as big of a deal as I always imagined it was. I am gaining confidence as a mother every day and I don't really need anyone else's validation. I know I love my son. I do what I truly know to be best for him. And even if I do make a mistake or learn a better way to do something, that's how parenting is.
And I seem so obsessed about parenting because it's all I ever do. I sit at home with my son 24/7. I don't have a lot of friends or family. Actually, where we live, I have one friend and no family. In the 3 months that we've been living in Elliston, we've gone out to eat once and hung out with friends three times, which includes the time we went out to eat. And all three times have been with the same friends, new parents like us.
When I'm sitting at home by myself with nothing to do but tend to the baby and no one around but the baby, it's easy for me to think too much. I would get so down about how hard of a time I had when Nicholas was born. It seemed so horrible because I had no one else to relate to or talk to about it. I thought all other mothers joined parenthood more gracefully and it came more natural to them- kind of how I thought it would happen for me. But I understand now that my experience was completely normal. I felt bad because I didn't absolutely LOVE being a mom like I always expected, and I didn't bond with my son right away. But I have talked to many women, and it is not only common, but normal. I loved my son as soon as I saw him. Well, I started falling in love with him while he was even still in my belly. But I can't honestly say that I loved being a mom at first. Let's face it, who enjoys waking up every 1-3 hours, learning how to successfully breastfeed, or listen to a baby cry and not having learned yet what his cries mean? Having a newborn is tough for everyone. Every mother is tired, overwhelmed, and a wreck. It just gets better with time. And bonding doesn't happen right away. You're just meeting your baby for the first time. Sure, it's love at first sight. But love is just the seed of bonding. Bonding happens over time, a matter of weeks and months and years. So, my expectations were wrong, not my experience. I had a c-section, which I hadn't prepared myself for, and being a mom to a newborn hit me like a ton of bricks, because I wasn't prepared for what that would be like either. I guess nothing can really prepare you for it unless you've tended to a newborn around the clock before. Thanks to the women who have reached out to me and helped me to realize my experience was normal and to not continue letting it bring me down. I love being a mom more and more every day.
While I was pregnant, all I ever heard was: "you're going to love being a mom!", "you're going to be such a good mom!", "I am so excited for you!". Now I kind of wish someone had said "you are going to be so sleep deprived, you will be delirious", "you may experience baby blues- it's normal and okay", "life is going to suck, but then it gets better". But then even if women had told me all this, I probably wouldn't have listened or believed them anyway. Or I would have listened and believed and been terrified, which probably would have made it even harder because I would have felt even more unsure and scared before I even got started! Also, once you get through the first few months, life is different. And I think experienced mothers know that. They know that life is trying for a few months, but then things get better. You get more sleep, your child develops more personality and becomes more independent. So they don't dwell on the hard times because it's just a blip on the radar for them. That's why women continue having children even though bringing them into the world is hard at first. They know first-hand how very worth it it is and how insignificant those sleepless nights and endless crying truly are in the grand scheme of things.
So moral of the story: my experience was normal, I need to let it go and just focus on being a mom, and... I need to get out more.
Thursday, December 18, 2014
Let the Good Times Roll (11 Weeks)
The more I talk to other women, the more I realize my experience was actually a lot more common than I thought. It is saddening to know that we women go through such hardships in bearing and caring for newborns (and our husbands- we're in it together!), but it is nice to not have to feel alone. I feel like we all put our best foot forward in public and on social networks. I look at other new moms and I think, "How do they do it?!", because they seem to have it all together, all figured out. Their babies seem so easy.
But then I realize I probably seem the same way. When Nicholas is being fussy, I don't think to myself, 'Hmm, I think I'll grab my camera and take a picture or video of him being a butt'. I'm thinking, 'What in the world does he want?! What is wrong?! What can I do?!'. So Facebook is full of his smiles and cuteness, and I'm sure that's how it is with most moms. We think to capture the good times, and get the bad times over with as quickly as possible. But enough reminiscing on the hard times.
Luckily, the good times happen more often these days, and the hard times are fewer and further apart.
Nicholas is 11 weeks old now. He "talks" all the time. He even giggles or squeals sometimes when he gets really excited and carried away. He smiles all the time. He started smiling at 6 weeks, but he wasn't smiling truly emotional smiles until about 7 weeks or so. He even throws his head back when he smiles and laughs. It is the cutest thing ever. He loves it when we "moo" at him like a cow and he even "moos" back. He likes it when we make funny noises and he tries to mimic them. He hasn't really "found" his hands or feet yet. But I think he is starting to learn to grab at things, he just hasn't mastered it yet. He likes to sit up straight like a big boy. He HATES (with a passion) his car seat because he can't sit up straight in it. And he does not like to recline in his swing either. He is not a fan of tummy time and shows little interest in crawling. We think he might skip the crawling phase altogether. He has started "teething". We can't see or feel anything, but he gnaws on everything he can and will chew on our fingers, that seems to feel the best to him. He loves little kids. He sleeps about 8-9 hours a night on average. He sleeps for about 5-6 hours. Eats. And then sleeps for about another 3 hours. And he takes a nap during the day for about 3 hours (sometimes split up into two 90 minute naps). So he only sleeps about 12 hours a day, but at least nights are better.
I am ashamed to say this, but he loves TV. Well, we don't have cable, we just watch movies, so I should say he loves movies. He loves to watch people and listen to people talk, and movies are so interesting and entertaining to him. He gets very involved in movies, too. He talks about and reacts appropriately to everything whether it's scary, funny, or suspenseful. It's almost scary to watch him react the way a grown person would.
We recently bought him a walker (for months from now). We put pillows under it so he can reach with his feet and he loves it! We also got him a jumper for Christmas. We think he'll really enjoy it! He already loves to walk. We hold him up and he'll walk, putting one foot in front of the other. You won't believe this, but he's been doing that since the beginning. He's one smart cookie!
He loves to be held and have attention. Sometimes he'll tolerate being placed on the floor or his swing for a while and look around and make noises but he doesn't get enough attention that way and will demand undivided attention after no more than 10-15 minutes.
He definitely has personality and we are enjoying getting to know his little personality more and more every day. We are so happy to have him in our lives and we love him to pieces.
But then I realize I probably seem the same way. When Nicholas is being fussy, I don't think to myself, 'Hmm, I think I'll grab my camera and take a picture or video of him being a butt'. I'm thinking, 'What in the world does he want?! What is wrong?! What can I do?!'. So Facebook is full of his smiles and cuteness, and I'm sure that's how it is with most moms. We think to capture the good times, and get the bad times over with as quickly as possible. But enough reminiscing on the hard times.
Luckily, the good times happen more often these days, and the hard times are fewer and further apart.
Nicholas is 11 weeks old now. He "talks" all the time. He even giggles or squeals sometimes when he gets really excited and carried away. He smiles all the time. He started smiling at 6 weeks, but he wasn't smiling truly emotional smiles until about 7 weeks or so. He even throws his head back when he smiles and laughs. It is the cutest thing ever. He loves it when we "moo" at him like a cow and he even "moos" back. He likes it when we make funny noises and he tries to mimic them. He hasn't really "found" his hands or feet yet. But I think he is starting to learn to grab at things, he just hasn't mastered it yet. He likes to sit up straight like a big boy. He HATES (with a passion) his car seat because he can't sit up straight in it. And he does not like to recline in his swing either. He is not a fan of tummy time and shows little interest in crawling. We think he might skip the crawling phase altogether. He has started "teething". We can't see or feel anything, but he gnaws on everything he can and will chew on our fingers, that seems to feel the best to him. He loves little kids. He sleeps about 8-9 hours a night on average. He sleeps for about 5-6 hours. Eats. And then sleeps for about another 3 hours. And he takes a nap during the day for about 3 hours (sometimes split up into two 90 minute naps). So he only sleeps about 12 hours a day, but at least nights are better.
I am ashamed to say this, but he loves TV. Well, we don't have cable, we just watch movies, so I should say he loves movies. He loves to watch people and listen to people talk, and movies are so interesting and entertaining to him. He gets very involved in movies, too. He talks about and reacts appropriately to everything whether it's scary, funny, or suspenseful. It's almost scary to watch him react the way a grown person would.
We recently bought him a walker (for months from now). We put pillows under it so he can reach with his feet and he loves it! We also got him a jumper for Christmas. We think he'll really enjoy it! He already loves to walk. We hold him up and he'll walk, putting one foot in front of the other. You won't believe this, but he's been doing that since the beginning. He's one smart cookie!
He loves to be held and have attention. Sometimes he'll tolerate being placed on the floor or his swing for a while and look around and make noises but he doesn't get enough attention that way and will demand undivided attention after no more than 10-15 minutes.
He definitely has personality and we are enjoying getting to know his little personality more and more every day. We are so happy to have him in our lives and we love him to pieces.
Tuesday, December 16, 2014
The First Two Weeks
The First Two Weeks
The first few weeks of my son's life are kind of a blur. I was so sleep deprived and exhausted and in pain from my c-section the first week. I only got a total of 12 hours of sleep during the first week of his life. Partly because of hormone-induced insomnia, partly because of my c-section, and partly because of my son's sleeplessness.
People think I'm crazy when I tell them, but my son did not become a good sleeper until he was about 8 or 9 weeks old. He literally only slept 8-12 hours within a 24 hour period before that. And only 2-4 hours at a time at night. Even now, he only sleeps about 12 hours within a 24 hour period. He'll sleep about 8-9 hours at night, waking up to eat once. And then he'll nap for about 3 hours during the day. They say "sleep when the baby sleeps", but you're on your own when your baby doesn't sleep!
The first week was also rough in the breastfeeding department. It took my milk 5 days to come in. And then my baby fussed so much that I thought he was starving. I started supplementing with formula (big mistake). Also, I was so sleep deprived that my husband and mother-in-law gave him formula one night so that I could finally sleep. I got somewhere between 4-6 hours of sleep that night. They wanted me to breastfeed too, but they were so concerned for me. I was a wreck.
Not to mention, 8 days after having a baby, we moved an hour and a half away. That was rough. But I don't think my husband, nor I for that matter, expected me to have a c section or knew how rough life was with a newborn. I did all the packing while I was at the end of my pregnancy. It's so funny how I felt like super woman during my pregnancy. I walked, I packed up an entire house, I visited people and did things for people. And then to see how debilitated I became after having a baby. I had a hard time with it. I didn't enjoy healing from a c-section and being confined to a chair nursing a baby around the clock. I have always been active- cleaning, cooking, writing, etc. I'm not the type to just sit. I felt trapped and confined by my baby for a long time. I think that went hand-in-hand with my "baby blues" and difficulty bonding with my son.
Nowadays, my favorite thing to do is sit and nurse my son. It's relaxing and I get to bond with my son.
The second week was rough, but better. I could get around a little bit better and sleep a little more comfortably. I still hadn't really bonded with my son and the "baby blues" hadn't gone away yet. They weren't really gone until about 10 days postpartum. I still had some lingering "baby blues" after that but it was nowhere near as bad. Bonding was gradual, it was a process that took place for months. But I'd say I became officially bonded with my son by the time he was about 9 weeks old. And it gets stronger and stronger every day.
I still struggled with breastfeeding in the second week. That was a struggle that lasted until my son was about 7 weeks old. When I say I "struggled with breastfeeding", what I really should say is "I struggled with formula". My son has latched beautifully since day one. He had issues with just taking the nipple at first but he learned quickly to take in more and that milk came more easily that way. Breastfeeding itself was not the issue. It was me thinking my milk supply or milk in general was insufficient. I thought his fussing meant he was starving. I thought if I didn't pump much, that meant I wasn't producing much. I thought if my breasts weren't getting engorged that I wasn't producing enough milk. And my son suffered from my ignorance. The formula made him extremely gassy and fussy. We thought we had a colicky baby but he just wasn't doing well with formula. After we quit formula altogether, he started improving immediately. However, it took about a month for his body to get back to normal and for the gassiness to fully go away. I thought it was something I was eating but I can now eat whatever I want. He rarely ever gets gassy now.
It's so easy to forget the hard times once they're over. I forget how difficult those first 2 weeks were. I forget how ignorant and inexperienced I was. I forget the feeling of being in an alternate universe when you're that sleep deprived. I forget the struggle. It's only when I stop and really think about those first couple of weeks and really relive it in my mind that I can remember how hard it really was.
Luckily, I don't have the time to sit and think about it too much anymore! And I have happier, better times to replace those memories.
The first few weeks of my son's life are kind of a blur. I was so sleep deprived and exhausted and in pain from my c-section the first week. I only got a total of 12 hours of sleep during the first week of his life. Partly because of hormone-induced insomnia, partly because of my c-section, and partly because of my son's sleeplessness.
People think I'm crazy when I tell them, but my son did not become a good sleeper until he was about 8 or 9 weeks old. He literally only slept 8-12 hours within a 24 hour period before that. And only 2-4 hours at a time at night. Even now, he only sleeps about 12 hours within a 24 hour period. He'll sleep about 8-9 hours at night, waking up to eat once. And then he'll nap for about 3 hours during the day. They say "sleep when the baby sleeps", but you're on your own when your baby doesn't sleep!
The first week was also rough in the breastfeeding department. It took my milk 5 days to come in. And then my baby fussed so much that I thought he was starving. I started supplementing with formula (big mistake). Also, I was so sleep deprived that my husband and mother-in-law gave him formula one night so that I could finally sleep. I got somewhere between 4-6 hours of sleep that night. They wanted me to breastfeed too, but they were so concerned for me. I was a wreck.
Not to mention, 8 days after having a baby, we moved an hour and a half away. That was rough. But I don't think my husband, nor I for that matter, expected me to have a c section or knew how rough life was with a newborn. I did all the packing while I was at the end of my pregnancy. It's so funny how I felt like super woman during my pregnancy. I walked, I packed up an entire house, I visited people and did things for people. And then to see how debilitated I became after having a baby. I had a hard time with it. I didn't enjoy healing from a c-section and being confined to a chair nursing a baby around the clock. I have always been active- cleaning, cooking, writing, etc. I'm not the type to just sit. I felt trapped and confined by my baby for a long time. I think that went hand-in-hand with my "baby blues" and difficulty bonding with my son.
Nowadays, my favorite thing to do is sit and nurse my son. It's relaxing and I get to bond with my son.
The second week was rough, but better. I could get around a little bit better and sleep a little more comfortably. I still hadn't really bonded with my son and the "baby blues" hadn't gone away yet. They weren't really gone until about 10 days postpartum. I still had some lingering "baby blues" after that but it was nowhere near as bad. Bonding was gradual, it was a process that took place for months. But I'd say I became officially bonded with my son by the time he was about 9 weeks old. And it gets stronger and stronger every day.
I still struggled with breastfeeding in the second week. That was a struggle that lasted until my son was about 7 weeks old. When I say I "struggled with breastfeeding", what I really should say is "I struggled with formula". My son has latched beautifully since day one. He had issues with just taking the nipple at first but he learned quickly to take in more and that milk came more easily that way. Breastfeeding itself was not the issue. It was me thinking my milk supply or milk in general was insufficient. I thought his fussing meant he was starving. I thought if I didn't pump much, that meant I wasn't producing much. I thought if my breasts weren't getting engorged that I wasn't producing enough milk. And my son suffered from my ignorance. The formula made him extremely gassy and fussy. We thought we had a colicky baby but he just wasn't doing well with formula. After we quit formula altogether, he started improving immediately. However, it took about a month for his body to get back to normal and for the gassiness to fully go away. I thought it was something I was eating but I can now eat whatever I want. He rarely ever gets gassy now.
It's so easy to forget the hard times once they're over. I forget how difficult those first 2 weeks were. I forget how ignorant and inexperienced I was. I forget the feeling of being in an alternate universe when you're that sleep deprived. I forget the struggle. It's only when I stop and really think about those first couple of weeks and really relive it in my mind that I can remember how hard it really was.
Luckily, I don't have the time to sit and think about it too much anymore! And I have happier, better times to replace those memories.
Sunday, December 14, 2014
Baby Blues
This seems like a gloomy title for my first mommy blog post. But sadly, that's how my story starts.
My pregnancy was amazing. I spent 9 months on cloud 9. I really didn't have any complications and I was completely oblivious. But as my pregnancy drew to an end, that's when my baby blues began.
I complained and joked around about it when I was overdue, but secretly, I didn't want the baby to come. I just wanted him to live forever in my belly. I was scared. Not about caring for a newborn, though that would prove to be difficult as well. But I was scared about failing as a mother. Not just of a newborn but for a person's whole life and future to rest in my hands. My mother dropped the ball as my mom (although I also now realize I don't give her enough credit for the things she got right- being a mom isn't always easy). And I was afraid that I would follow in her footsteps, as least some of them.
As nature would have it, Nicholas made his exit from my womb and entrance into this world anyway. One of my biggest regrets is being impatient and having my doctors exam me every week for the last few weeks. The first time, I didn't know I had a choice. I just figured it was routine. But the next few times, I was just so anxious and nervous and wanted to know how close I was to labor. It was the last of those exams that sent me into labor. I was examined around 11 AM, went into labor within a couple of hours, and my water broke about 12 hours after the exam. My water broke prematurely and my body wasn't ready for labor. Therefore, induction failed and I had to have a c-section due to the risk of infection after my water breaking.
I have struggled so much because I had a c-section. I didn't really have time for it to "settle" when the decision was made and I was immediately taken to have surgery. I didn't want a c-section. I wanted to feel the natural process of labor and delivery. My son was born and I could see him and touch his cheek, but he was then taken from me. They said I could turn and look at him but I couldn't turn my head without feeling like I was going to throw up from all the medications.
I just lay there on the surgery table feeling like a failure. I wanted to hold my son. I wanted to feel him and smell him and look at him. I wanted to nurse him and comfort him. I have since looked at pictures of him from the time we were separated while I was in recovery and he was being examined and tended to. There are pictures of him gazing at the woman bathing him. I cry when I look at those pictures. That was supposed to be my gaze. That was supposed to be my moment.
I also had the hormonal baby blues that settled in about 3-4 days after I had Nicholas. Because of the estrogen and progesterone shifts in my body, I was unable to sleep, I had little appetite, and I was an emotional wreck. Bear in mind, when I had Nicholas, I already hadn't slept in 33 hours or eaten in 24 hours. And sleep is hard to come by in a hospital and the food isn't great. I didn't bond with my son. I felt like we didn't get off to the "right" start and that things would never feel "right". I felt like he didn't know me or connect with me and I didn't know him or connect with him. I loved him, but there was no real connection. It almost seemed as though he were adopted, that he wasn't really "mine". That made me feel like even more of a failure.
I also struggled with breastfeeding at first because I didn't have the knowledge I have now. I felt like I wasn't producing enough milk and that Nicholas "needed" formula. I wish I had never introduced formula to my son. Throwing out that stupid can of formula was one of the smartest things I've done so far. I am happy and proud to say that I exclusively breastfeed and it is amazing.
That is actually how I finally came to bond and connect with my son. Sometimes I still reflect on his birth and those worrisome early days of breastfeeding and feel regret and sadness. I still find myself envying women who had natural births. But I have to live my own life and my story isn't like everyone else's. I have my own story to live and ending to reach.
And all was not lost. I didn't have an ideal birth. It took a long time to get the hang of being a mom and start bonding with my son. But I had a wonderful pregnancy which resulted in a beautiful, healthy baby boy. I love my son and I am connected with him in a way I never thought possible. And that is the beginning of a happy, new chapter in my mommyhood.
My pregnancy was amazing. I spent 9 months on cloud 9. I really didn't have any complications and I was completely oblivious. But as my pregnancy drew to an end, that's when my baby blues began.
I complained and joked around about it when I was overdue, but secretly, I didn't want the baby to come. I just wanted him to live forever in my belly. I was scared. Not about caring for a newborn, though that would prove to be difficult as well. But I was scared about failing as a mother. Not just of a newborn but for a person's whole life and future to rest in my hands. My mother dropped the ball as my mom (although I also now realize I don't give her enough credit for the things she got right- being a mom isn't always easy). And I was afraid that I would follow in her footsteps, as least some of them.
As nature would have it, Nicholas made his exit from my womb and entrance into this world anyway. One of my biggest regrets is being impatient and having my doctors exam me every week for the last few weeks. The first time, I didn't know I had a choice. I just figured it was routine. But the next few times, I was just so anxious and nervous and wanted to know how close I was to labor. It was the last of those exams that sent me into labor. I was examined around 11 AM, went into labor within a couple of hours, and my water broke about 12 hours after the exam. My water broke prematurely and my body wasn't ready for labor. Therefore, induction failed and I had to have a c-section due to the risk of infection after my water breaking.
I have struggled so much because I had a c-section. I didn't really have time for it to "settle" when the decision was made and I was immediately taken to have surgery. I didn't want a c-section. I wanted to feel the natural process of labor and delivery. My son was born and I could see him and touch his cheek, but he was then taken from me. They said I could turn and look at him but I couldn't turn my head without feeling like I was going to throw up from all the medications.
I just lay there on the surgery table feeling like a failure. I wanted to hold my son. I wanted to feel him and smell him and look at him. I wanted to nurse him and comfort him. I have since looked at pictures of him from the time we were separated while I was in recovery and he was being examined and tended to. There are pictures of him gazing at the woman bathing him. I cry when I look at those pictures. That was supposed to be my gaze. That was supposed to be my moment.
I also had the hormonal baby blues that settled in about 3-4 days after I had Nicholas. Because of the estrogen and progesterone shifts in my body, I was unable to sleep, I had little appetite, and I was an emotional wreck. Bear in mind, when I had Nicholas, I already hadn't slept in 33 hours or eaten in 24 hours. And sleep is hard to come by in a hospital and the food isn't great. I didn't bond with my son. I felt like we didn't get off to the "right" start and that things would never feel "right". I felt like he didn't know me or connect with me and I didn't know him or connect with him. I loved him, but there was no real connection. It almost seemed as though he were adopted, that he wasn't really "mine". That made me feel like even more of a failure.
I also struggled with breastfeeding at first because I didn't have the knowledge I have now. I felt like I wasn't producing enough milk and that Nicholas "needed" formula. I wish I had never introduced formula to my son. Throwing out that stupid can of formula was one of the smartest things I've done so far. I am happy and proud to say that I exclusively breastfeed and it is amazing.
That is actually how I finally came to bond and connect with my son. Sometimes I still reflect on his birth and those worrisome early days of breastfeeding and feel regret and sadness. I still find myself envying women who had natural births. But I have to live my own life and my story isn't like everyone else's. I have my own story to live and ending to reach.
And all was not lost. I didn't have an ideal birth. It took a long time to get the hang of being a mom and start bonding with my son. But I had a wonderful pregnancy which resulted in a beautiful, healthy baby boy. I love my son and I am connected with him in a way I never thought possible. And that is the beginning of a happy, new chapter in my mommyhood.
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