Brad and I moved to Elliston, an hour and a half away from Martinsville, 8 days after Nicholas was born. I don't really know anyone there. We live out in the country. Brad is gone anywhere from 12-16 hours at a time. He is on call and works all hours of the day and night. I never know when he'll be leaving or coming home. Sometimes he even has to lay over and doesn't make it home. That is very difficult. It's very hard on me to tend to a baby by myself all the time. And it's been taking a much bigger toll than I even realized.
In my previous posts, I sound so negative and hung up on the difficult first few weeks after Nicholas was born. I am so hard on myself. I even sound a little depressed. I guess I kind of have been. And I noticed my overly-defensiveness, maybe even a little obsessiveness, about my parenting.
This Christmas, Nicholas and I came to North Carolina to stay with my family. Brad came down for 3 days for Christmas. Me and Nicholas have been here for 5 days. It has been AMAZING. I have had people to help me with Nicholas. I have been able to socialize. I haven't been alone all the time. I have finally been able to feel normal again. It has been so enlightening.
My family holds Nicholas and it's not a problem for me. For so long, I have held Nicholas and tended to him by myself, so when we would go out, I couldn't let other people hold Nicholas because I wasn't used to it. It was uncomfortable for me because I'm used to handling him all the time. I felt like I "needed" to hold him and he "needed" me to hold him. He is starting to not mind being held by other people and it's nice for me to have that break every now and then. I don't have as hard of a time with it, especially seeing him happy and content about it.
And I have been so defensive about my parenting, but it really just reflects my feelings of insecurity and inadequacy as a mother. I feel insufficient as a mother so I automatically assume everyone else thinks I am too. But other people have different ways of doing things and of course they're going to think their way is the best way and tell me I should do it their way. We all tend to be that way. But it's not as big of a deal as I always imagined it was. I am gaining confidence as a mother every day and I don't really need anyone else's validation. I know I love my son. I do what I truly know to be best for him. And even if I do make a mistake or learn a better way to do something, that's how parenting is.
And I seem so obsessed about parenting because it's all I ever do. I sit at home with my son 24/7. I don't have a lot of friends or family. Actually, where we live, I have one friend and no family. In the 3 months that we've been living in Elliston, we've gone out to eat once and hung out with friends three times, which includes the time we went out to eat. And all three times have been with the same friends, new parents like us.
When I'm sitting at home by myself with nothing to do but tend to the baby and no one around but the baby, it's easy for me to think too much. I would get so down about how hard of a time I had when Nicholas was born. It seemed so horrible because I had no one else to relate to or talk to about it. I thought all other mothers joined parenthood more gracefully and it came more natural to them- kind of how I thought it would happen for me. But I understand now that my experience was completely normal. I felt bad because I didn't absolutely LOVE being a mom like I always expected, and I didn't bond with my son right away. But I have talked to many women, and it is not only common, but normal. I loved my son as soon as I saw him. Well, I started falling in love with him while he was even still in my belly. But I can't honestly say that I loved being a mom at first. Let's face it, who enjoys waking up every 1-3 hours, learning how to successfully breastfeed, or listen to a baby cry and not having learned yet what his cries mean? Having a newborn is tough for everyone. Every mother is tired, overwhelmed, and a wreck. It just gets better with time. And bonding doesn't happen right away. You're just meeting your baby for the first time. Sure, it's love at first sight. But love is just the seed of bonding. Bonding happens over time, a matter of weeks and months and years. So, my expectations were wrong, not my experience. I had a c-section, which I hadn't prepared myself for, and being a mom to a newborn hit me like a ton of bricks, because I wasn't prepared for what that would be like either. I guess nothing can really prepare you for it unless you've tended to a newborn around the clock before. Thanks to the women who have reached out to me and helped me to realize my experience was normal and to not continue letting it bring me down. I love being a mom more and more every day.
While I was pregnant, all I ever heard was: "you're going to love being a mom!", "you're going to be such a good mom!", "I am so excited for you!". Now I kind of wish someone had said "you are going to be so sleep deprived, you will be delirious", "you may experience baby blues- it's normal and okay", "life is going to suck, but then it gets better". But then even if women had told me all this, I probably wouldn't have listened or believed them anyway. Or I would have listened and believed and been terrified, which probably would have made it even harder because I would have felt even more unsure and scared before I even got started! Also, once you get through the first few months, life is different. And I think experienced mothers know that. They know that life is trying for a few months, but then things get better. You get more sleep, your child develops more personality and becomes more independent. So they don't dwell on the hard times because it's just a blip on the radar for them. That's why women continue having children even though bringing them into the world is hard at first. They know first-hand how very worth it it is and how insignificant those sleepless nights and endless crying truly are in the grand scheme of things.
So moral of the story: my experience was normal, I need to let it go and just focus on being a mom, and... I need to get out more.
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