Baby Blues

This seems like a gloomy title for my first mommy blog post. But sadly, that's how my story starts.

My pregnancy was amazing. I spent 9 months on cloud 9. I really didn't have any complications and I was completely oblivious. But as my pregnancy drew to an end, that's when my baby blues began.

I complained and joked around about it when I was overdue, but secretly, I didn't want the baby to come. I just wanted him to live forever in my belly. I was scared. Not about caring for a newborn, though that would prove to be difficult as well. But I was scared about failing as a mother. Not just of a newborn but for a person's whole life and future to rest in my hands. My mother dropped the ball as my mom (although I also now realize I don't give her enough credit for the things she got right- being a mom isn't always easy). And I was afraid that I would follow in her footsteps, as least some of them.

As nature would have it, Nicholas made his exit from my womb and entrance into this world anyway. One of my biggest regrets is being impatient and having my doctors exam me every week for the last few weeks. The first time, I didn't know I had a choice. I just figured it was routine. But the next few times, I was just so anxious and nervous and wanted to know how close I was to labor. It was the last of those exams that sent me into labor. I was examined around 11 AM, went into labor within a couple of hours, and my water broke about 12 hours after the exam. My water broke prematurely and my body wasn't ready for labor. Therefore, induction failed and I had to have a c-section due to the risk of infection after my water breaking.

I have struggled so much because I had a c-section. I didn't really have time for it to "settle" when the decision was made and I was immediately taken to have surgery. I didn't want a c-section. I wanted to feel the natural process of labor and delivery. My son was born and I could see him and touch his cheek, but he was then taken from me. They said I could turn and look at him but I couldn't turn my head without feeling like I was going to throw up from all the medications.

I just lay there on the surgery table feeling like a failure. I wanted to hold my son. I wanted to feel him and smell him and look at him. I wanted to nurse him and comfort him. I have since looked at pictures of him from the time we were separated while I was in recovery and he was being examined and tended to. There are pictures of him gazing at the woman bathing him. I cry when I look at those pictures. That was supposed to be my gaze. That was supposed to be my moment.

I also had the hormonal baby blues that settled in about 3-4 days after I had Nicholas. Because of the estrogen and progesterone shifts in my body, I was unable to sleep, I had little appetite, and I was an emotional wreck. Bear in mind, when I had Nicholas, I already hadn't slept in 33 hours or eaten in 24 hours. And sleep is hard to come by in a hospital and the food isn't great. I didn't bond with my son. I felt like we didn't get off to the "right" start and that things would never feel "right". I felt like he didn't know me or connect with me and I didn't know him or connect with him. I loved him, but there was no real connection. It almost seemed as though he were adopted, that he wasn't really "mine". That made me feel like even more of a failure.

I also struggled with breastfeeding at first because I didn't have the knowledge I have now. I felt like I wasn't producing enough milk and that Nicholas "needed" formula. I wish I had never introduced formula to my son. Throwing out that stupid can of formula was one of the smartest things I've done so far. I am happy and proud to say that I exclusively breastfeed and it is amazing.

That is actually how I finally came to bond and connect with my son. Sometimes I still reflect on his birth and those worrisome early days of breastfeeding and feel regret and sadness. I still find myself envying women who had natural births. But I have to live my own life and my story isn't like everyone else's. I have my own story to live and ending to reach.

And all was not lost. I didn't have an ideal birth. It took a long time to get the hang of being a mom and start bonding with my son. But I had a wonderful pregnancy which resulted in a beautiful, healthy baby boy. I love my son and I am connected with him in a way I never thought possible. And that is the beginning of a happy, new chapter in my mommyhood.